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Nuggets from Art |
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Nuggets of wisdom and wit from a kindly old
mystic cloistered in
a fire proof building on the Cuyahoga. |
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My beloved friend Arthur has gone
to be with God, may his trip be an easy one.
Arthur, I expect submissions to Nuggets, and I'll accept no excuses.
Joe De Matteo |
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Published
Feature Essays, Stories and Reviews
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The biker, the old lady, two chickens and much, much more.
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of
fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I
can't carry this lot"
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." |
My kind of humor:
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Two
antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into
a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron. "The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I’m positive..."
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A jumper cable walks into a
bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start
anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a
bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a
slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please,
and one for the road."
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Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
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Two cows standing next to
each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
exclaimed Daisy.
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An invisible man marries an
invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at
either.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that
you've heard this bull before.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to
the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any
thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to
put
him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
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I went to buy some camouflage
trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butcher's the
other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the
meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
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A man woke up in a hospital
after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I
can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
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I went to a seafood disco
last week and pulled a mussel.
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Two Inuit sitting in a kayak
were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it
sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
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What do you call a fish with
no eyes? A
fish.
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